Bernie's Blog

Death of a Patriot

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, January 18, 2011 3 Comment(s)

In the dark night of the soul (which F. Scott Fitzgerald held to be 3 a.m.), I sometimes lie awake and read the Philadelphia Inquirer online. Last night I was stunned to see a big obit for Marty Casey, who died last week in Miami. It was more than strange to see the length and detail in the obit, for today few people in Philadelphia would even recognize his name. But the byline explained it all. It was written by John Dorschner of The Miami Herald and obviously picked up by a Philadelphia editor fascinated by Marty Casey’s background and the vague reference to his having been born in Pennsylvania. He was a soldier of fortune who participated in anti-Castro and anti-Duvalier activities in the early 1960s. He married a Cuban American, was fluent in Spanish and lived in Little Havana. He also dabbled in writing, freelancing for Soldier of Fortune Magazine, and at least once for the Herald. He also helped journalists, including a writer for TIME Magazine, with investigations. That’s how the Herald knew him. I knew him because we grew up on the same block in Philadelphia and as kids were in each other’s houses all the time.

 

 

Marty Casey’s adventures got him in trouble. He went to jail for participating in an attempted bombing of the presidential palace in Haiti. It was a bizarre mission, using homemade bombs which missed their target. He was also caught training Cuban commandos in the Florida Keys. He was picked up when U.S. Customs and Border Protection raided the training camp, one of the incidents that infuriated the CIA and made them hate President Kennedy. A former Marine, Marty was obviously connected to the CIA, although not directly. That’s how the CIA operates. He also did another service to his country, but did not know it at the time.

 

 

Backtracking a bit, I lost contact with Marty after he entered the service, but my cousin, who lived next door to him, stayed in touch with his family. I heard about him again when he got press in Florida for participating in that crazy effort to bomb "Papa Doc" Duvalier’s palace. I don’t recall exactly how we reconnected, but I think he called me after seeing our magazine.

 

 

At about that time (1975) Gaeton Fonzi, then a partner in our magazine, was hired by Pennsylvania senator, Richard Schweiker, as part of a reopened investigation into the death of President Kennedy. Schweiker suspected the accused assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, was involved with the U.S. intelligence community. I mentioned to Fonzi that Marty Casey, with all his anti-Castro Cuban contacts, might be helpful. Fonzi, at Schweiker’s urging, was trying to penetrate the murky world of Cuban anti-Castro intrigue. We got together for lunch in Fort Lauderdale, and Marty amused us with some of his soldier of fortune tales. He was a serious patriot, and the stuff he did was clearly dangerous, but he made these missions sound like the antics of high school kids.

 

 

Fonzi was telling people he was looking into the CIA (there was an investigation going on at the time), but not the JFK murder. However, he told Casey his real mission. Marty went to work and quickly sources began to call Fonzi. One source led to another. Soon he was in touch with a highly respected and credible Cuban named Antonio Veciana, who had been heavily involved in the anti-Castro movement at the time of the Kennedy assassination.

 

Not realizing that Fonzi was part of the JFK investigation, Veciana inadvertently told him that he had seen his longtime CIA handler, who used a code name, with Lee Harvey Oswald in Dallas before the assassination. It was a stunning revelation – the first time any connection between Oswald and the CIA had been established by an inside source.

 

 

Fonzi said today it all began with Marty Casey.

 

 

“Marty was the key,” said Fonzi. “He knew everybody, and he wasn’t a bullshitter. He finally got the attention he deserved.”

 

 

Gaeton was eventually able to identify the CIA man and the result of his work was two long magazine articles in Gold Coast magazine in 1980 which strongly suggested that an American president was murdered by his own government. Others had suspected the same, but Fonzi was the first man working for our government, with access no previous writer had to dynamite material and sources, to raise such dramatic doubts about the "lone assasin" conclusion reached years earlier by the Warren Commission. Further research produced the 1994 book The Last Investigation which was updated and republished three years ago. Virtually every important book on the Kennedy assassination cites Fonzi for his landmark work.

 

 

Not for his bizarre and sometimes comical adventures as a soldier of fortune, but for his pivotal role in guiding Fonzi to the CIA connection 35 years ago, should old neighbor Marty Casey be remembered.

Guns Don’t Kill People – Reckless Gun Laws Do

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, January 11, 2011 1 Comment(s)

Because I hold certain positions on subjects such as immigration and government entitlements for people who can’t afford health insurance, but can afford new cars and all kinds of gadgets, I am sometimes accused of being a conservative. I am not. I don’t think I am a liberal either. I think I’m a flaming independent, just like you. But since it is mandatory to put people in categories, I do hold some self-evident liberal positions.

One is that we need to save our environment, and when it comes to fights such as saving what is left of the Everglades and protecting our water supply, I am on the side of the people against the polluters. And from the first day I was given an opportunity to express opinions, I have been firmly on the side of the people versus the gun nuts. That puts me on the same team as virtually every law enforcement agency in the land, and cops, you may know, are generally not great liberals.

We think, obviously, of the weekend tragedy. A clearly troubled, if not downright crazy person, gets his hands on a gun, legally, and kills six people and wounds others. How could such a person ever buy what he bought? If Arizona had the right laws, having a person with a record of mental instability attempt to buy such a lethal weapon would have been a warning to get the man off the street. Predictably the Second Amendment advocates are saying that guns don’t kill people. People kill people. This is true. It is equally true that the gun nuts, and the absurd laws they pressure to have passed, or refuse to pass, put the guns in the hands of the deranged and the criminals.

By the way, I sort of like guns although I don’t own one. My wife, occasionally deranged herself, has more than once said I should be shot. So it’s not a great idea to make that act easy. Also, we have kids around the house a lot and you know often that causes trouble when they discover grandpop’s gun. Maybe if I lived alone I would own a piece. I have fired guns, from the M1 rifle, to the Colt .45 to a machine gun. I also fired a rocket launcher. That’s a hoot. In a duel, that is my weapon of choice. For longer distances, I prefer the 105 howitzer, and for larger targets the 155 is efficacious. But I don’t have any of these around the house.

But if it came to a vote on making these weapons ordinary household appliances, like flat screen TVs, many politicians would approve. Not because they think it is good law, but because if the gun lobby puts them in its crosshairs, they are dead. Politically, of course. How else could we permit the sale of assault rifles or approve, as Florida has done, a law permitting the use of a gun in self defense? The lawyers must love that one. A facile barrister can make any shooting self defense. Somebody comes to the door selling Girl Scout cookies. You feel threatened. Bang. Insanity.

Look at Tuscon. The young man accused of that awful deed was acting in self defense. He felt threatened. So what if he’s crazy? A good lawyer can argue that he thought he was threatened, so let him loose and give him another clip. Now we have our elected officials requiring enhanced security. It is almost predictable that we will see copycat crimes. Protecting them will cost money. It would not have to be spent if they voted with their minds, not their fears of the gun lobby.

Photo by Michal Zacharzewski.

Care for Coffey?

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, January 04, 2011 No Comment(s)

I spent some time with Kendall Coffey, Esq. recently and a longer essay will appear in a future issue of Gold Coast. But for the moment, let’s plug his new book, Spinning the Law: Trying Cases in the Court of Public Opinion. As the title suggests, it has to do with lawyers playing the press. The first chapter goes from Scott Rothstein to Joan of Arc, a pretty good historic wingspan. If that sounds like a readable book, it is. Coffey deals with many cases, from the O.J. Simpson trial to the recent Rod Blagojevich. Even in cases on which he was on the losing side, he points out how the cases changed law, mostly for the better. In general he values the First Amendment, which made me like him right away. He obviously likes reporters, even though not all his own press has been wonderful.


As a former U.S. attorney, he has been watching the corruption scandals breaking on the Gold Coast, first in Palm Beach County, now in Broward. Is Miami next, he wondered. When the name Mike Satz came up, in terms of the abuse he has been taking for ignoring the den of thieves in his own neighborhood, Coffey was sympathetic. He said most investigations of local corruption are done by the feds, for the simple reason that state attorneys are part of the same system that keeps them in work. They get campaign funds from the same people who they might have to indict in a few weeks. They stand up to be recognized at the same social functions with people they know should be in jail. That last illustration is mine, not Coffey’s, but I know he would agree with it. In contrast, the federal people tend to move around, and almost always avoid the spotlight. In our magazine's occasional list of the Gold Coast’s most powerful people, not one federal figure has been included.


Coffey’s book is filled with names we all know. He mentions Roy Black a number of times –interesting because both men have similar styles. Low key, respectful, almost courtly. A jury just likes them from the go, especially when they have read about them in the papers. Forget that nonsense about jurors not knowing about a sensational case in advance. That is one of the themes of this book. It makes it as good a read for lawyers as it is for those of us in the fourth estate. By the way, what are the three estates in front of us?


He’s not local, but the name Richard Sprague is in the book. Sprague, still active in his 80s, is a brilliant Philadelphia lawyer, who in the late 1970s went to Washington to head the re-investigation into the President Kennedy assassination. He came under immense pressure after he started to look into the CIA. If he could have survived the pressure, much of it from the press, we would know for sure today that our government murdered an American president. For more on that, read Gaeton Fonzi’s The Last Investigation, which started out as articles in Gold Coast. Nothing wrong with self-plugging, is there?
The Rules of the Game

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, December 14, 2010 No Comment(s)

 

The Miami Heat, with three of the best players in the world, are starting to play like everybody expected. So, basketball is much in the news. It is in my news too, for a different reason. My college team lost a close basketball game last week. We almost upset a very good team on national television, and the win would have meant a lot to our program. The upsetting part is that we were robbed. We were ahead with a minute to go and one of our guys went for a lay-up, there was noticeable contact, he missed, the other team rebounded and raced down the court. One of our guys tried to stop the fast break, made light contact and got called for a foul. On top of that, the other team scored on the play, and made the foul shot. That was the game. The non-call at one end of the floor and the bad call at the other made a five-point swing and we couldn’t catch up. Had the foul on our guy been called, and he made two free throws, it would have been a whole different game.

 

 
To his credit, our disappointed coach did not blame the officials. However, the announcers, maybe rooting for the underdog, replayed the two actions and wondered how one play could be a foul and the other wasn’t. Especially at the end of a close game when every play and foul shot is crucial. It brought up the larger question of how much referees have changed this sport. It has become faster and infinitely rougher. Star players get away with all kinds of stuff that would have been violations a few decades back.
 
When Dr. James Naismith hung up that peach basket in 1891, he consciously came up with rules to control the pace of the game, and make it a safe indoor sport. For years you were allowed just one step after picking up the dribble. If players in old film seemed slower, they were, but they also bounced the ball regularly. It gave the slower and shorter players a chance. But that chance is greatly diminished when offensive players look like the triple jump guys at a track meet, and things such as palming the ball and either charging over or bulling through defenders are routinely ignored by officials.
 
The result is a game that gets more like football every season. We might see helmets and shoulder pads one of these years. Last year my school lost three of its starting lineup in the first few months of the season. Two of them were out for the season, and another barely made it back at the end. It used to be that injuries in basketball were not common. Today, the professional teams are constantly banged up and college isn’t much better. Much of the reason is that the refs permit so much contact, and players on offense are schooled to make that contact, hoping to create three-point plays. At one time, the offensive player had to go around the defense. The hook shot was developed to let a player get off his shot without jamming the ball or elbow in another’s face. The disappearance of the charging call is probably the most serious and annoying change in the modern game. You often see situations where the offensive player with the ball and the defender are basically moving on parallel courses, until the offensive player alters direction to initiate contact and draw a foul. The rule should be that the player who initiates the contact is guilty, but today the guy going to the basket has to run into a player as set as a mail box to warrant the call.
 
Well, at least there’s the three-point shot and one-and-one bonus to reward the accurate player and bring the game back to what it started out to be. I wonder if James Naismith would recognize his invention today. And would he be thrilled with the evening gowns which have replaced the uniforms he knew?
 
Day of Infamy

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, December 07, 2010 1 Comment(s)

We have two options for today, Dec. 7 - not quite the 70th anniversary of the day that will live in infamy. We can say something about Pearl Harbor, or, more current, we can muse on the fact that a record cold snap has hit South Florida. Why not both?

I forget the weather in Elmira, N.Y., that day when my father went to mass and my mother, listening to the radio, suddenly became all excited and began shouting, "We are at war!" I had just turned 5 but I already knew there was a war on. The English were fighting the Germans, and the kids in the neighborhood were divided. Some, who spoke English, were rooting for the Brits. Others, who did not speak German, were with the Nazis. Better uniforms. But somehow at that young age, I knew it did not affect us. Until my mother got excited.

I wanted to be the first to alert my father, so I waited on the porch on Mount Zoar Street to see his car, a black Chevy, come over the little rise on the road. When he got home I shouted about the war. He said, “I know son. They announced it at church.” We did not know that day what lay ahead over the next four years. We did not know that my cousin Tommy McCormick, who I hardly knew, but got to know better when we moved back to Philadelphia, would become a Navy pilot and die at Iwo Jima. Or that almost 65 years later we would learn that the Navy thought at the time that his plane had been hit by friendly fire. Nor did we know that a distant cousin, Billy McCann, who I did not know at all and don’t recall ever meeting, would die flying a transport plane over the famous “Hump” in Burma after the war had ended.
 
There was great excitement in Elmira following the beginning of the war. Everybody was pumped with patriotism. There were rumors of submarines nearby. The Chemung River, which ran through Elmira, was only a few feet deep, unless it flooded. There must have been an army base nearby, because my parents had arranged for some soldiers to have Christmas dinner with us. I was hugely looking forward to that, and hugely disappointed when just days before the big night all leaves were cancelled. Rumors of spies in the neighborhood, or something like that.
 
My father always went to bed early, and got up early, a habit that has proved contagious. Christmas eve he was in bed when my mother let me come down to open presents. Among mine were a child’s version of the tin metal helmet – the kind our guys wore in World War I, and still used in the early days of the second encounter – and a drum. I told my mother I wanted to show daddy what Santa had brought me. She said okay. I ran upstairs, banging the drum, into my father’s bedroom, probably singing the national anthem as well. His reaction was swift. He whacked me and said, “shut the hell up and get in bed.”
 
Upon reflection, I probably would have done the same. But years later, when I jokingly told the story for the hundredth time, my father said: “Bern, I’ve always been sorry I did that, because you never forgot it.” I have also not forgotten that it was one of the few unkind things he ever did to anyone.
 
Back to weather. There was snow that winter and where we lived had been a farm house. The farm was abandoned, but there were still furrows in the empty fields, and the snow made them seem like small mountains to little kids. My brother and I played in the snow, climbing over the furrows. Between our house and the river there were woods, and some days we could hear gun shots of hunters stalking something in the woods. Those were not the only shots heard that winter.
 
Separation of Church and Street

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, November 30, 2010 3 Comment(s)

 

First: Conflict of interest. I live in Colee Hammock. As opposed to the elected officials who are going to jail, I (also known as we) I (we) bring this up front. If only those thieves in government would state the truth. Something like this: "I have no interest in this matter, unless you count my husband, whose job depends on this being passed."

 

 
Back to go: The Civil War on Las Olas. This is the fight between Colee Hammock and the First Presbyterian Church. You have read all about it. Now, the neighborhood - led by our home owners association president, Jerry Jordan - is taking the offensive. Forget the fight about the church wanting to put a 5-story garage on Las Olas. Now the neighborhood is fighting the church over closing streets for Sunday services.
 
This has been going on for some years. Jordan’s argument, strongly backed by neighbors affected by the closing, is that the church never got permission to close streets. The church says it is a safety issue. You know, little kids, etc. Jordan counters by pointing out that St. Anthony, not far away, does not close streets. Nor does First Baptist on busy Broward Boulevard. The bottom line is that First Pres, as we fondly call it, uses the neighborhood for social events related to busy Sunday services.
 
The point, obviously, is that the neighbors, who are close to 100 percent against the church expansion, are on the offensive. Rumors say half of First Pres congregants are against the expansion and the ill will that it has caused. Further rumors say a divine intervention may be on the way. It goes back some years in the history of religion. "Christians, love one another." I don’t exactly know what saint coined that phrase but I (also known as we) will take it until something better comes along.
Report From The Club Scene

by Bernard McCormick Wednesday, November 17, 2010 No Comment(s)


Two weeks ago following the Fort Lauderdale Historical Society's Founders Dinner, which honored Wayne Huizenga as "Man of the Centennial," we expressed amazement that the dinner raised an estimated $400,000 for the Historical Society. That’s about four times the usual proceeds from a dinner that has long been a major fundraiser for the group. We wondered if any local dinner had ever topped that, or if any similar event sold out and had a long waiting list without even having to send out invitations.

And with that, we went up to the Treasure Coast to visit some private clubs where we made the mistake of wondering aloud to the director of the prestigious Bear’s Club if any dinner up that way had ever made such money. Nonchalantly, she mentioned that two recent dinners at the club had raised more than $1 million. However, we are pretty sure those dinners sent out invitations and the invitees were the cream of Palm Beach, many of whom threw in a generous contribution with their table price. The Bear's Club was built by Jack Nicklaus, as a great golf course first, and a club with limited residences as a second thought. Among the residents are Ernie Els, soon to be joined by Michael Jordan, and the outside membership is equally forceful, with such names as Wayne Huizenga and Roger Penske.

We chanced upon the Bear's Club not really by chance, but as part of a survey for Gulfstream Media Group’s Treasure Coast publications on private clubs in the Treasure Coast area. The Jupiter area has to be one of the most over clubbed places on the planet. There are at least a dozen in a five square mile area, which includes Palm Beach Gardens and North Palm Beach. A place that used to be defined by a famous lighthouse might today be called "Country Club Haven." In several cases they are next to each other.

Almost all of them can trace their history to land owned by John D. MacArthur, who at one time owned 100,000 acres in Florida, much of it north of Palm Beach. MacArthur started the country club development in the 1960s with JDM, which underwent changes of ownership before becoming Ballenisles. Later, he and his wife’s foundation sold off additional land tracts, much of it now sprawling clubs. Burt Haft and Jack Gaines, who developed Inverrary, built Frenchman’s Creek in the 1970s, and other clubs soon followed.

It has created a very competitive market for the credit-worthy buyer, and the oldest clubs are now upgrading facilities to attract new members, replacing the original, aging residents. They have to. In a tough economy, clubs are not exempt from hardship. Most of the major financial publications have covered the story – clubs under strain with declining memberships. The National Golf Foundation published the telling stats: Up to 20 percent of clubs nationally are in financial distress. Those troubled clubs’ membership is down 29 percent from their peaks. Golf rounds are down 22 percent. Fifty-seven percent of country clubs are operating at a loss.

Clubs have to be agile to improve facilities to attract new families before the older members get too old to care (meaning, pay for stuff they won’t long use). Some clubs in Palm Beach and Broward Counties already missed the boat. Some have been forced to go public, which doesn’t mean the same thing as in the stock market. The other choice is to sell off the golf course, and there goes the neighborhood.

It’s happening all over. The National Golf Foundation quotes one expert as saying 20 percent of the 4,700 private country clubs in the U.S. won’t be here five years from now.
Ethanol: Has its time come at last?

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, November 09, 2010 No Comment(s)

 

The story was buried inside the national news section of the local papers, but the announcement of Florida’s first ethanol plant may have long-range consequences for a state seeking an industry to complement tourism and agriculture. The venture will be located next to a landfill in Indian River County and will produce ethanol from waste. The $100 million contract is going to a Georgia firm. It is expected to produce 175 construction jobs and 50 full-time jobs when completed. The plant hopes to produce 8 million gallons of ethanol annually, as well as some electricity as a by-product.

 

 
 
Florida Agricultural Commissioner Charles Bronson said two more Florida plants are scheduled to open in the next few years. The surprise here is the company involved: INEOS New Planet BioEnergy – a joint venture in Vero Beach. It is being launched with the help of federal and state grants designed to spur the search for new fuels. It was previously reported that U.S. Sugar in Clewiston was negotiating with a Illinois company to make ethanol from sugar cane waste, but that venture is apparently still on hold.
 
 
Is this the beginning, as Bronson has stated, of an industry that could grow to 3 billion gallons of ethanol a year and produce 100,000 jobs? One sure hopes so. But there are skeptics who question the competitiveness of ethanol, even if produced less expensively than the current technology using corn. They claim it is less efficient than gasoline (making the economies illusory) and that it can harm engines, especially in the marine field. But proponents say flex engines are being built to use combinations of ethanol and gasoline, and eventually ethanol alone. If the latter can be developed fairly quickly, it would seem Bronson’s optimism is warranted.
 
 
What nobody doubts is that if there is a place for ethanol to become king, it is Florida. Things grow here very fast and scientists are figuring out ways to use all kinds of natural bio mass, from wood chips to sugar cane waste and even – as in the Indian River case – garbage, to produce ethanol. Last year, we fantasized about an “ethanol prairie” developing around sparsely populated Lake Okeechobee, bringing a well paying and environmentally sensitive industry to an undeveloped section of the state. It would also bring a source of renewable fuel to South Florida’s doorstep, logically leading to lower prices for the area.
 
 
It was reported that the only thing holding up the emerging industry was the decline in gas prices from recent scary highs. Prices are lower now. And if this ethanol exploration proves as effective as hoped, they may just stay that way.
Wayne’s Night: A Dinner to Remember

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, November 02, 2010 No Comment(s)

There probably aren’t records available on the subject, but it is hard to imagine that any non-profit event in local history ever topped Friday night at the Ritz-Carlton on the beach. H. Wayne Huizenga’s being honored as “Man of the Centennial” by the Fort Lauderdale Historical Society has to be a first in several respects.

For starters, who ever heard of an event being sold out without even sending invitations? When Dr. Harry Moon told fellow trustees of the Fort Lauderdale Historical Society in mid-summer that Huizenga had agreed to be the honoree at the annual Founders Dinner (this year kicking off the city’s 100th anniversary celebration), the sponsorship response was so immediate that all of the 44 original tables were gone within weeks. So strong was the demand, that a decision was made to eliminate the dance floor to add an additional six tables. And as the night approached, Gale Butler at Auto Nation, who coordinated the evening, was bombarded with requests for tickets. At one point, despite the added tables, she had a waiting list of 100 names. Normally, organizations who buy tables have some open seats, but not in this case.

Auto Nation President Mike Jackson wasn’t kidding when he opened the program by saying that despite competition from the Fort Lauderdale International Boat Show and the Miami Heat’s opening home game, this was the toughest ticket in town. People who usually are regarded as desirable guests at any function were wondering why they never got invitations and were beseeching friends to find an extra seat or two. The lineup of companies supporting the dinner was the power of South Florida, and the attendees were a “Who’s Who” of the area’s business, political and sports leaders.

The evening lived up to billing. Jackson did an excellent job as master of ceremonies, the entertainment was outstanding and unexpected (Huizenga’s Irish friend, John McWinney, flew across the pond for a surprise appearance, and the non-professional singer belted out several songs) and Jim O’Connor, Steve Berrard, George Johnson and Dan Marino all gave excellent and amusing tributes to the man they have worked with in various capacities.

The best news was the bottom line. Jackson said the proceeds from the dinner were more than $600,000, and with much of the expenses picked up by contributing organizations, the benefit to the Historical Society is likely a record setter as well. In past years the organization was pleased to realize $80,000 from the night that always has a high profile honoree.

The “Man of the Centennial” may just have given Fort Lauderdale the dinner of the centennial.
The Applicant

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, October 26, 2010 No Comment(s)

The Office of Career Politicians, Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2010:
 
 
“Good morning, I'd like to fill out an application to become a career politician.”
 
 
“Excellent, what office are you seeking?”
 
 
“Whatever you have.”
 
 
“Current employment?”
 
 
“I’m currently unemployed, but my benefits are running out. I just see a lot on TV about career politicians and I need something fast.”
 
 
“Race, creed and national origin?”
 
 
“All of these. Whatever works. I want to get a PIC going so I can get some income.”
 
 
“PIC? Do you mean PAC?”
 
 
“Whatever. One of them Karl Rove things. I want one of them things where people send you money and nobody cares what happens to it. Like that fella in Miami.”
 
 
“But you need transparency, or you might get your name in the paper.”
 
 
“Oh yes, completely. I will account for every penny. Just get me the money. I believe in transparency. What I’m doing now is transparent. I want money for doing nothing so that I can run for something and win and get more money and still do nothing.”
 
 
“Well, you want to avoid any problems with ethics, friend.”
 
 
“I have no problem with ethics. Let me make this very clear. I will have a platform of more jobs, lower taxes, less government, more services for the poor, more soccer fields for the rich, more of everything. I’m pro life, for abortion rights, family values, gay and lesbian rights, the ten commandments, second amendment rights, amendment four, more planes and guns and getting government off our backs.”
 
 
“What I mean is you might get a call from the newspapers asking how you spend this money.”
 
 
“That’s no problem. I need my car fixed and I need gas and I need to hire my mother as a consultant.”
 
 
“Now you’re thinking. What will your mother do?”
 
 
“She will give the money to my wife for consulting and hire my brother and his son. He’s in real estate and he can rent an office.”
 
 
“Have you picked a location?”
 
 
“Yes, several. One’s in Hobe Sound. Another is in the islands. We have some nice views in Donegal and we’re looking into something on the French Riviera.”
 
 
“I see you have thought this out. What about when they ask you about sources of income.”
 
 
“I'm working for the government on classified projects. Can’t discuss it because of national security. Personal. It will be career politics and completely transparent and it’s nobody’s business.”
 
 
“What is your party affiliation? You need that to be a career politician.”
 
 
“Republican and Democrat. Independent. Tea Party. Libertarian. Whig. Tory. No nothing. Round Head. Whatever works. I want to represent all the people and I want all the people to send me money, and I need it fast. My electric is off. The check for the telephone bounced. The old lady is going crazy.”
 
 
“Well, that’s a good sign. It shows you manage your finances. A lot of career politicians can’t do that. I trust you have never been indicted.”
 
 
“Not on purpose. You know, nobody’s perfect. There was a little tax problem. And I got involved in a homicide. But that’s personal. I want to move forward so that at the end of the day, I can get checks. A lot of checks."
 
 
“Any other legal problems which might surface in a campaign?”
 
 
“No. Except I took the Fifth Amendment 75,000 times. But that wasn’t my idea. My lawyer made me do it.”
 
 
“Can that be documented?”
 
 
“Yes, call my probation officer.”
 
 
“Beautiful. Your papers are in order. We’ll cut your first check in the morning. Oh, one last question. What is your name?”
 
 
“Maaaaaaaaaah name José Jiménez!”