Nazi leader salutes Dumpt

by Bernard McCormick Wednesday, December 23, 2015 No Comment(s)

Adulf Hitler

March, 1944

Ronald Dumpt, a New York builder who gained fame by appearances on the popular radio show, The Original Amateur Hour, has surprised the nation by announcing that he is running for the Republican nomination for president. He hopes to beat GOP front-runner Thomas Dewey and then unseat Franklin Roosevelt, who is seeking an unprecedented fourth term. Gold Coast magazine caught up with Mr. Dumpt at his beautiful Palm Beach residence, Watchya Lingo, to find out why he wants to unseat a wartime president.

Magazine: Mr. Dumpt, why do you want to unseat a wartime president?

Dumpt: The country has no leadership. The Germans and Japs are making us look stupid. The Germans own half of Europe; the Japs own half of China and the Pacific. The next thing you know they’ll be in California. Our borders are a joke.

Magazine: Some people think the term Jap is an ethnic slur.

Dumpt: I’m tired of political correctness. The polls show I’m right.

Magazine: Mr. Dumpt, what polls? There are no polls. They haven’t been invented yet.

Dumpt: But they will be, and they’ll show I’m 50 percent and Dewey is five and Roosevelt is zero. Do you know that man is a cripple? He can’t even walk. (Dumpt mimics a man dragging 10-pound braces on his legs.) And have you seen his wife? Can you imagine looking at that face for four more years?

Magazine: Some people think making fun of a man’s disability is in bad taste. Tom Dewey, who's running against him, would never stoop that low.

Dumpt: He’s low energy. I like Tom, but he’s low energy. He can’t wait for weekends so he can get out of New York and sit around his farm with his thumb…. I guess I shouldn’t say that. Look, all I’m saying is this country needs somebody who can make us great again. I’m very smart and I won’t let other countries push us around. They think we’re stupid. Look what the Japs did at Pearl Harbor. We were asleep. Roosevelt should have resigned.

Magazine: Your opponents say mocking the First Lady’s appearance is cruel.

Dumpt: I never made fun of her. I would never make fun of anybody’s appearance.

Magazine: You just did.

Dumpt: Now you be fair. I never made fun of her. I think she’s beautiful. All I want is to be treated fairly.

Magazine: And I guess you never mentioned the president’s disability.

Dumpt: I would never do that. I would never make fun of anybody’s physical problem. But have you seen him lately? He’s the most dead-looking live man I’ve ever seen. And what happens if he goes? We got that other moron running with him.

Magazine: You mean Harry Truman?

Dumpt: He’s a pants salesman from Kansas. And he failed at that.

Magazine: I think he’s from Missouri.

Dumpt: No difference. Those yokels are all the same.

Magazine: We gather you think the war is being badly run.

Dumpt: Badly? We can’t even beat an enemy that has Italians who would rather be fighting with us. General Eisenhower is another loser. He wasted all that time in North Africa. I would have gone directly into Germany. I like generals who win. And I would win. You will see so much winning you won’t believe it. Besides, I hear he’s got a bit of skirt going for him—his driver or something. We should be bombing hell out of them.

Magazine: I think we are. Just last month we shot down 1,000 German planes in one week. They're already calling it “Big Week.

Dumpt: I would have shot down 10,000. It’s not enough. I’d atom bomb hell out of them.

Magazine: That’s another thing that hasn’t been invented.

Dumpt: I’d invent it. I get things done. I know how to build things. Wait till I end this war and we can get gas again. I’ll build towns like you won’t believe. I’ll build casinos in Atlantic City. I’ll pave over those Florida swamps. We’ll be great again. We’ll win at everything.

Magazine: We just read that Adolf Hitler has called you brilliant, outstanding and a leader. He says you’re the best candidate in the field. Do you like that from a dictator who started a war and is killing millions of people?

Dumpt: You always like it when somebody calls you brilliant. Especially coming from the leader of Germany. At least he’s a leader, which is more than we have in this country.

Magazine: But they say he has killed journalists and political opponents.

Dumpt: I’d like to kill a few myself. Actually, I never said that. I would never kill a reporter no matter how ugly she is.

Magazine: Well, we’re out of time. Mr. Dumpt, thank you for taking time to talk with us.

Dumpt: Thank you for having me.

Magazine: Thank you for thanking us.

Dumpt: Thank you for thanking me for thanking you. I’ll be glad to thank you any time. Just be fair.

Magazine: This interview has been brought to you by Lucky Strike. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.

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