The Applicant

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, October 26, 2010 No Comment(s)

The Office of Career Politicians, Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2010:
“Good morning, I'd like to fill out an application to become a career politician.”
“Excellent, what office are you seeking?”
“Whatever you have.”
“Current employment?”
“I’m currently unemployed, but my benefits are running out. I just see a lot on TV about career politicians and I need something fast.”
“Race, creed and national origin?”
“All of these. Whatever works. I want to get a PIC going so I can get some income.”
“PIC? Do you mean PAC?”
“Whatever. One of them Karl Rove things. I want one of them things where people send you money and nobody cares what happens to it. Like that fella in Miami.”
“But you need transparency, or you might get your name in the paper.”
“Oh yes, completely. I will account for every penny. Just get me the money. I believe in transparency. What I’m doing now is transparent. I want money for doing nothing so that I can run for something and win and get more money and still do nothing.”
“Well, you want to avoid any problems with ethics, friend.”
“I have no problem with ethics. Let me make this very clear. I will have a platform of more jobs, lower taxes, less government, more services for the poor, more soccer fields for the rich, more of everything. I’m pro life, for abortion rights, family values, gay and lesbian rights, the ten commandments, second amendment rights, amendment four, more planes and guns and getting government off our backs.”
“What I mean is you might get a call from the newspapers asking how you spend this money.”
“That’s no problem. I need my car fixed and I need gas and I need to hire my mother as a consultant.”
“Now you’re thinking. What will your mother do?”
“She will give the money to my wife for consulting and hire my brother and his son. He’s in real estate and he can rent an office.”
“Have you picked a location?”
“Yes, several. One’s in Hobe Sound. Another is in the islands. We have some nice views in Donegal and we’re looking into something on the French Riviera.”
“I see you have thought this out. What about when they ask you about sources of income.”
“I'm working for the government on classified projects. Can’t discuss it because of national security. Personal. It will be career politics and completely transparent and it’s nobody’s business.”
“What is your party affiliation? You need that to be a career politician.”
“Republican and Democrat. Independent. Tea Party. Libertarian. Whig. Tory. No nothing. Round Head. Whatever works. I want to represent all the people and I want all the people to send me money, and I need it fast. My electric is off. The check for the telephone bounced. The old lady is going crazy.”
“Well, that’s a good sign. It shows you manage your finances. A lot of career politicians can’t do that. I trust you have never been indicted.”
“Not on purpose. You know, nobody’s perfect. There was a little tax problem. And I got involved in a homicide. But that’s personal. I want to move forward so that at the end of the day, I can get checks. A lot of checks."
“Any other legal problems which might surface in a campaign?”
“No. Except I took the Fifth Amendment 75,000 times. But that wasn’t my idea. My lawyer made me do it.”
“Can that be documented?”
“Yes, call my probation officer.”
“Beautiful. Your papers are in order. We’ll cut your first check in the morning. Oh, one last question. What is your name?”
“Maaaaaaaaaah name José Jiménez!”

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