Buck Rogers drives to Orlando

by Bernard McCormick Wednesday, April 09, 2014 No Comment(s)

Among the modern miracles of technology is the car that drives itself. Once viewed as something out of the Buck Rogers* show, part of the concept is already being sold in new cars. It includes warnings of objects behind you when backing up, and automatic braking when a sensor senses (as sensible sensors will) trouble ahead. It will not be long before people can just get in their cars, program a destination, pull out a six-pack and prepare to sleep for several hundred miles until their seat gently vibrates and a soft alarm tells them they have arrived.
Many people will consider this progress, but not aggressive drivers. We foresee unforeseen consequences, as people who don’t like to obey laws will become infuriated with the lack of control inherent in such a driving environment. They might as well be in a freaking bus. It seems safe to say that programmed cars will obey all traffic rules. They will not be able to weave in and out of traffic and go 90 mph in a 65 mph speed limit. They will not be able to ignore stop signs or accelerate to bust red lights, and if a driver tries to express heartfelt road rage by shooting a bird at some other helpless driver, automatic thongs, or tongs will pop out to lock their arms in place, and gags will appear from the roof if they even try to scream in frustration. These would just be tweaks on the air bag concept. 
We need to get the National Rifle Association involved with this, because sooner or later it will involve itself, as inevitably, the aggregate anger of the crazies among us will boil over in some kind of murderous event. And we need an organization that routinely elects low IQ rednecks through campaign contributions, to make this some kind of second amendment issue that will have the support of legislators everywhere. As long as they get their campaign contributions, and have the support of their low IQ redneck voters. 
We need the NRA to support legislation to make it legal for drivers who endure hours of maddening frustration by not being able to violate traffic laws, to all get together at the end of their trips and shoot each other. That would be one way of releasing tension. Otherwise these people might head for the nearest bar or take a snort of a dangerous substance. However, we must be realistic. Even with NRA support, it is likely the Supreme Court would ultimately rule that shooting people for the fun of it is unconstitutional. And that could ruin the whole concept of driverless driving, and in the process waste all of this great technology we have developed.
But wait. Can we not put this great technology to some related use? Yes, we can. We can give a blessing, and possibly income, to all people who hate the way other people drive. We can equip cars with devices that lock onto the license plates of cars that cut us off, or speed by at 100 mph, or weave in and out of I-95 traffic, and no matter where they go they can be tracked. The owners will be fined $1,000 for the first offense, and have their cars blown up by drones for a second.
Now, here is the beautiful part. Everyone who reports another driver for crazy driving, and that will be everyone, will get 15 percent of the fine (a standard agency commission), directly deposited into one’s account, that very minute when we use the voice activated lock-on device. The command would be like your ATM password. Something like, “You S.O.B!” Imagine driving to Orlando and making a few grand in the process – in a car that uses no gas because it is powered by a combination of solar electricity and a windmill mounted on the roof. The faster you go, the more juice you get. We would all be traffic cops, very rich ones. But then, as cops wouldn’t we all need to carry guns? Of course, we would. And carrying guns, wouldn’t we be entitled to use them the next time we see somebody we don’t like, especially if they prove a threat? Gun sales would go crazy. The NRA would be so happy. A perfect world.
*Buck Rogers is a fictional character, allegedly dating to 1928, who specialized in wild futuristic Buck Rogers ideas, most of which can be found in new cars.

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