Special Report From The BLOW Channel

by Bernard McCormick Tuesday, August 28, 2012 No Comment(s)

Good evening, weather watchers. This is a special BLOW Channel report. We have five Miami politicians gathered to tell you that the approaching storm is not coming at us and isn’t very strong anyway. But we all want to warn you to stay tuned to the BLOW Channel so we can let our politicians get some exposure and update you on the storm that isn’t going to hit us. Also this may be their last opportunity to appear on television before they’re indicted.

Meanwhile, here is a report from our new Doper radar. Doper radar is unique to the BLOW Channel in that other radars have a delay of seven minutes. Doper radar is not only showing you what is happening now, it also shows you what is not happening. See on this screen where there are no color bands moving in circles. That’s County Mayo in Ireland and there’s nothing happening there. But if you look over here to my left, actually it’s my right, it’s your left. I think I’m right. Anyway you see the bands circulating. The pink blobs are heavy rain, the green ones are winds blowing palm trees.

Now see this little yellow swirly dot? That’s a palm tree in front of 275 W. 388th St., and it’s being blown by the wind. Oh. ... What? ... Oh, sorry, that’s not a palm tree. That’s a black olive. And it’s... what’s that? ... Oh, sorry, the tree on his 389th St. So you folks up in Hollywood are going to be hit in about 30 seconds by a squall that may have mini squalls in it. See, now it’s 25 seconds, now it’s 20. Do you feel it up there? Did the wind blow your umbrella upside out? Now you people out near 441 should be feeling this in about seven minutes. So make sure you take your umbrellas down.

And now one of our politicians wants to warn you that the storm that’s not coming is not coming, but stay tuned and be sure to vote for him and don’t pay any attention if you see his name connected to the voter fraud that’s been all over the news. The fact that the 6,000 absentee ballots were all in his wife’s name has nothing to do with the storm that’s now missing the Florida Keys and will miss us by more 100 purple blobs and at least 35 green ones.

We just got the 7 o’clock update on the storm that’s not coming. It still isn’t coming, but this storm is very unpredictable and we want you to stay tuned to the BLOW Channel. Now here are the possible tracks the storm may take. You see how big it is. This graph which looks like celery stalks shows the various models and how many places this huge storm may not be coming. What’s that? ... Oh, sorry. ... I’m told those are not celery stalks, they’re rhubarb. Do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb? Heh. Heh. Couldn’t resist a little levity there.

But this is really serious, because if it isn’t you might turn us off and venture out and try to go surfing before the winds that aren’t coming die down. And we are going to bring in five more politicians. The five who were here just got arrested. You can see this white streaky thing with the blue stripes. That’s the police van taking them to jail. But don’t worry, we’ll have five more here any minute. There’s nothing that brings out the weatherman in a politician like a good storm that isn’t coming.

Oh, I’m just told that this orange blob that’s moving so fast toward the Palmetto is a young woman whose umbrella did not collapse and took off with her hanging on. That’s why we want you to stay tuned. And here’s a report from up north. A palm frond fell off a tree in Fort Pierce. That shows how big this storm is, and even though it’s not coming, it could still be dangerous. We’ll be back with the latest rhubarb stalks after this commercial.

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