It was the late 1970s, and being a great father, it was only natural to take the kid to see Notre Dame play at Miami. Notre Dame won easily that day, which was no surprise. The Hurricanes had not had a good football team in years; in fact there was thought to giving up the program. We felt sympathy for Miami. A lot of their players came from down here. We had followed some of them in high school. And the kid wasn’t crazy about Notre Dame. He thought they were a bunch of rah-rah hot dogs.
Then a strange thing happened. Howard Schnellenberger took over as coach and suddenly Miami wasn’t so bad. And after a season or so, we saw another Notre Dame team arrive at the Orange Bowl. And this day, miracle of miracles, Miami beat the Irish. Not just beat them. The final was 37-15. It was 1981. The quarterback, a Pennsylvania import named Jim Kelly, was obviously pretty good. We were thrilled. And even more thrilled when Kelly took Miami up to play Penn State, where he had wanted to go but they would not let him play quarterback. Kelly and Miami won that day, and we knew something special was happening with this team. They were really getting good. In fact, now a national power, Miami beat Notre Dame two of the next three years. We were fans.
Then something interesting happened. The kid got a Navy ROTC scholarship and the best school he got in was Notre Dame. He wasn’t that crazy about going. You know, the rah-rah hot dog stuff. But he went and soon became one of those hot dogs himself. Love for the Hurricanes disappeared almost instantly, especially as an intense rivalry developed between two excellent programs. He was near despair in 1985 when Jimmy Johnson’s Miami team mauled the Irish, 58-7, in the Orange Bowl. And estactic three years later, his senior year, when the Irish, under Lou Holtz, won at Notre Dame, 31-30, en route to its last national championship.
And now, after some painful seasons, the Irish are back and the kid, now a member of the Orange Bowl Committee, will be there, hoping for the first national title since his senior year. He won’t be alone. We have discovered over the years that Notre Dame has a big presence in South Florida. It goes back a long time. You can start with the Gore family, who owned the Sun-Sentinel for years. Six of former Gov. R.H. Gore’s children went to Notre Dame. Then there are the Zloch brothers, who came out of what is now St. Thomas Aquinas High School. Three of them played for Notre Dame. U.S. District Judge William Zloch was quarterback under Ara Parseghian. Since then there have been many players at Notre Dame. Autry Denson set a ND rushing record. The current punter, Ben Turk, is from St. Thomas.
And it isn’t just sports. Notre Dame has a dozen alumni clubs in the state, and its grads are prominent in every market. In Fort Lauderdale, Mayor Jack Seiler is a Domer. Florida’s Chief Financial Officer Jeff Atwater is another. Alabama is a lot closer to Sun Life Stadium but it is doubtful Notre Dame will be outfanned next month. The Irish aren’t just coming. They’re here.
Given the U.S. Constitution, this scenario could never take place. But just suppose a fellow becomes a top military guy and eventually is promoted to a very high government post. And then, through no fault of his own, he gets caught up in a bit of skirt with a much younger chippy and gets exposed when government agents tap into his and her e-mail accounts. His career, maybe his life, is ruined. Of course that could never happen, for it would constitute a massive invasion of privacy, utterly contrary to the way our country behaves. But just suppose it did. Then, all over the land, this land for you and me, women in bars would be asking men this question.Woman: “Why would he take that chance, given his sensitive position and the fact that he is so much in the limelight?”Man: “Have you heard of sex? Besides, he did not start it. Women always make the first move.”Woman: “Who says?”Man: “John says.”Woman: “John who?”Man: “He probably wouldn’t like it if I told you. Make him John Hancock. But he’s right. Every man knows this. Women invariably deny it.”Woman: “They deny it because it isn’t true.”Man: “See, you just proved my point. When a guy gets that big, whether he’s in politics, entertainment, sports or organized crime, women are attracted to power. It’s an aphrodisiac. A bartender, who had considerable experience in these matters, once told me that women were attracted to men in control. He said, and I quote, some women go for cops, some go for gangsters, some go for bartenders, thank God.Woman: “Nonsense.”Man: “Also, maybe his wife got too old. Women have an obligation to stay young and beautiful.”Woman: “Men get old too.”Man: “But it’s different. They also get distinguished. And rich. And powerful. And they still seek romance. Some young men like older women, up to about age 35. But not many men go after 60-year-old women. And maybe she changed from the devoted thing he married. Maybe she turned into a terrible-tempered size 42. Maybe she threw out his paratrooper boots.”Woman: “Why would she do that?”Man: “Because she could. And maybe she started complaining that he never puts down the toilet seat. Or routinely forgets to take out the trash. Or puts his beer glass in the sink instead of the dishwasher. Those little things create unbearable tension and make men welcome the freedom of adoration, especially if she’s 19. Maybe she threw out his La Salle tie.”Woman: “He didn’t go to La Salle.”Man: “You never miss a chance for marketing.”Woman: “You’re salacious.”Man: “You’re stupid. I like that in a woman.”Woman: “I think you’re charming. It’s late and it’s dark out there. Why don’t you walk me to my car.”Man: “Okay, but lay off the e-mail.”
Watching the recent presidential debate, in fact the entire presidential campaign that began four years ago, one is reminded of the late Pat Paulsen, who ran for president any number of times. His campaign was based on saying whatever worked at the time. Example:
Paulsen: “I was in Palm Beach yesterday. What a bunch of phonies. It is so good to be here in Fort Lauderdale with real people. This is where I want to retire someday.”
Interviewer: “But yesterday in Palm Beach you said you loved Palm Beach people, the real Americans compared to all the phonies in New York. You said you wanted to retire there. In fact, everywhere you go you praise the place you are in and knock the place you were in the day before. How do you account for that?”
Paulsen: “I was misquoted.”
Interviewer: “But they have you on film.”
Paulsen: “I was misfilmed.”
He managed to say such stuff with a straight face. Pat Paulsen, of course, was a comedian, a masterful satirist. The people running for president appear to be serious. But they take a page from Paulsen in that they seem unflappably comfortable in saying anything they think their audience wants to hear, even if it is diametrically opposed to what they said the day before.
Mitt Romney seems to be worse than the president in this regard, but both men seem able to balance contradictions with ease. Perhaps one pundit went too far the morning after the first debate when he said Romney is a liar and should be charged with perjury. Better to use a little of Pat Paulsen’s diplomacy and simply call Romney the biggest phoney who ever lived. And we actually liked his father, who was unfairly cast out of serious politics when he said he was “brainwashed” about the Vietnam War. That was the truth; everybody was brainwashed. That is another way of saying somebody lied.
Just because a man has no principle does not mean he can’t be a good president. Richard Nixon was a notorious liar and also a saccharine panderer to our lesser angels. Recall the line: “I’m glad you asked that question. Pat and I were talking about it at home just the other night. She was knitting a flag. I was reading the Constitution.” And yet people give him credit for opening up a dialogue with China and starting the warm relationship where they lend us all their money.
Distasteful as it may be, we ought to get used to candidates saying what they think we want to hear, even if it contradicts everything they said the day before. This scenario is no reflection on the current candidates, and we never called Romney a phoney.
1st Candidate: “I believe we need to help the middle class and let those of us fortunate enough to be wealthy pay a little more.”
2nd Candidate: “That goes for me, too. Except for the rich. I don’t want to raise taxes on anybody, and you can’t raise taxes on the rich without raising taxes on the middle class. I love the middle class, even if most of them are moochers looking for a handout.”
1st Candidate: “You just insulted the middle class.”
2nd Candidate: “No, you did. I love the middle class. And I never called them moochers.”
1st Candidate: “They have you on film.”
2nd Candidate: “I was misfilmed.”
1st Candidate: “You stole that line from Pat Paulsen.”
2nd Candidate: “No, you did. I stole it from a magazine writer.”
1st Candidate: “Then the writer stole it.”
2nd Candidate: “Writers never tell the truth.”
1st Candidate: “Do you ever tell the truth?”
2nd Candidate: “You can’t handle the truth.”
1st Candidate: “You just stole another line!”
2nd Candidate: “Did you say shoot all the immigrants?”
1st Candidate: “I never mentioned immigrants.”
2nd Candidate: “I never said you did.”
1st Candidate: “Oh, shut up.”
2nd Candidate: “You shut up.”
1st Candidate: “You have bad breath.”
2nd Candidate: “You have body odor.”
1st Candidate: “Your girlfriend smells worse.”
Moderator: “Gentlemen, screw you both. We are out of time.”
1st Candidate: “Ask the moderator if you don’t believe me. He just woke up.”
2nd Candidate: “What moderator? You mean that schmuck sitting there?”
1st Candidate: “You just called the moderator a schmuck.”
2nd Candidate: “I never said a bad word about anybody.”
1st Candidate: “It’s late. I hate debating. It’s beneath me. I’m going home.”
2nd Candidate: “Me, too. Let’s go out and have a drink. I never wanted to run anyway. The devil made me do it.”
Moderator: “Thank you gentlemen for this insightful exchange. And God bless America.”
Our soon-to-be-published book, “The Philadelphia Magazine Story,” required a last-minute revision. It was to the chapter written by Gaeton Fonzi called “The Odyssey of An Investigation,” describing his iconic work on the Kennedy assassination for more than 40 years.








