There is a woman in Tallahassee who makes $300,000 a year, maybe a little more, working for organizations that promote laws enabling people to murder 26 people in minutes, including 20 children. But that is not important. What is important is that this blog, if read by anybody, almost never produces comment, but this one will. You can ask almost any columnist what produces reaction, and they will tell you anything on gun control. It is right in there with Jimmy Breslin’s suggestion that dogs in New York be thrown in front of subways. The reaction from dog lovers was furious, but not orchestrated. Breslin’s outburst was too bizarre for a planned counter-offensive. But reaction to gun control is clearly organized, probably written by design by members of the National Rifle Association, who rarely give a real name.
They will write, as one moron from Texas who had the guts to appear on national TV said in reaction to the recent tragedy that had the school principal been armed, those kids would be alive. Now that is important, but unfortunately, too tame, too limited.
On a hunch, this blog has been interrupted to check out today’s Palm Beach Post and its excellent columnist, Frank Cerabino. A few months back he told us that one topic that always stirs emotions is guns.
Sure as hell, Cerabino (pronounced Chur-a-bino) is writing today about guns, which assures, as he will be the first to admit, a bombardment of reactions, mostly attacking him for daring to link Florida’s absurdly permissive gun laws to such a sad event.
Back on topic. The guy from Texas says school principals should be armed. Wonderful idea, but limited. Why not give all the kids guns?
Imagine, a high school with 2,000 kids, and every one packing a gun that shoots 100 rounds. As Cerabino writes today, there are people in positions of importance in Florida who boast that the state is a leader in concealed weapons permits. Just imagine the fun they would
have if all our school children were armed. Armed, but not dangerous, of course. What could be safer than everybody in this great country carrying a machine gun? Who would have the nerve to throw the first volley?
But since we are so outgunned when it comes to this topic, perhaps it is time to organize a group to resist the gun lobby. Maybe even find somebody willing to stand up for sanity for $300,000 a year. You might for a few takers for that thankless job.
Somebody did, about two weeks later, and the somebody turned out to be the president of the FEC. An amiable fellow in a gruff sort of way, he said the FEC was a freight railroad, and wanted no passenger trains. Period. Today, after two changes of ownership (the current owner is Florida East Coast Industries), the answer would have been quite different, and had it come 25 years ago, all the money and energy that went into building Tri-Rail on the western CSX – the double tracking, the modern stations with overpasses and the improved signals – would have been directed to the FEC and Tri-Rail would serve the heart of downtowns along its route, and be a much busier service. And after 25 years, the economic development associated with it would be impressive.
It was the late 1970s, and being a great father, it was only natural to take the kid to see Notre Dame play at Miami. Notre Dame won easily that day, which was no surprise. The Hurricanes had not had a good football team in years; in fact there was thought to giving up the program. We felt sympathy for Miami. A lot of their players came from down here. We had followed some of them in high school. And the kid wasn’t crazy about Notre Dame. He thought they were a bunch of rah-rah hot dogs.
Then a strange thing happened. Howard Schnellenberger took over as coach and suddenly Miami wasn’t so bad. And after a season or so, we saw another Notre Dame team arrive at the Orange Bowl. And this day, miracle of miracles, Miami beat the Irish. Not just beat them. The final was 37-15. It was 1981. The quarterback, a Pennsylvania import named Jim Kelly, was obviously pretty good. We were thrilled. And even more thrilled when Kelly took Miami up to play Penn State, where he had wanted to go but they would not let him play quarterback. Kelly and Miami won that day, and we knew something special was happening with this team. They were really getting good. In fact, now a national power, Miami beat Notre Dame two of the next three years. We were fans.
Then something interesting happened. The kid got a Navy ROTC scholarship and the best school he got in was Notre Dame. He wasn’t that crazy about going. You know, the rah-rah hot dog stuff. But he went and soon became one of those hot dogs himself. Love for the Hurricanes disappeared almost instantly, especially as an intense rivalry developed between two excellent programs. He was near despair in 1985 when Jimmy Johnson’s Miami team mauled the Irish, 58-7, in the Orange Bowl. And estactic three years later, his senior year, when the Irish, under Lou Holtz, won at Notre Dame, 31-30, en route to its last national championship.
And now, after some painful seasons, the Irish are back and the kid, now a member of the Orange Bowl Committee, will be there, hoping for the first national title since his senior year. He won’t be alone. We have discovered over the years that Notre Dame has a big presence in South Florida. It goes back a long time. You can start with the Gore family, who owned the Sun-Sentinel for years. Six of former Gov. R.H. Gore’s children went to Notre Dame. Then there are the Zloch brothers, who came out of what is now St. Thomas Aquinas High School. Three of them played for Notre Dame. U.S. District Judge William Zloch was quarterback under Ara Parseghian. Since then there have been many players at Notre Dame. Autry Denson set a ND rushing record. The current punter, Ben Turk, is from St. Thomas.
And it isn’t just sports. Notre Dame has a dozen alumni clubs in the state, and its grads are prominent in every market. In Fort Lauderdale, Mayor Jack Seiler is a Domer. Florida’s Chief Financial Officer Jeff Atwater is another. Alabama is a lot closer to Sun Life Stadium but it is doubtful Notre Dame will be outfanned next month. The Irish aren’t just coming. They’re here.
Given the U.S. Constitution, this scenario could never take place. But just suppose a fellow becomes a top military guy and eventually is promoted to a very high government post. And then, through no fault of his own, he gets caught up in a bit of skirt with a much younger chippy and gets exposed when government agents tap into his and her e-mail accounts. His career, maybe his life, is ruined. Of course that could never happen, for it would constitute a massive invasion of privacy, utterly contrary to the way our country behaves. But just suppose it did. Then, all over the land, this land for you and me, women in bars would be asking men this question.Woman: “Why would he take that chance, given his sensitive position and the fact that he is so much in the limelight?”Man: “Have you heard of sex? Besides, he did not start it. Women always make the first move.”Woman: “Who says?”Man: “John says.”Woman: “John who?”Man: “He probably wouldn’t like it if I told you. Make him John Hancock. But he’s right. Every man knows this. Women invariably deny it.”Woman: “They deny it because it isn’t true.”Man: “See, you just proved my point. When a guy gets that big, whether he’s in politics, entertainment, sports or organized crime, women are attracted to power. It’s an aphrodisiac. A bartender, who had considerable experience in these matters, once told me that women were attracted to men in control. He said, and I quote, some women go for cops, some go for gangsters, some go for bartenders, thank God.Woman: “Nonsense.”Man: “Also, maybe his wife got too old. Women have an obligation to stay young and beautiful.”Woman: “Men get old too.”Man: “But it’s different. They also get distinguished. And rich. And powerful. And they still seek romance. Some young men like older women, up to about age 35. But not many men go after 60-year-old women. And maybe she changed from the devoted thing he married. Maybe she turned into a terrible-tempered size 42. Maybe she threw out his paratrooper boots.”Woman: “Why would she do that?”Man: “Because she could. And maybe she started complaining that he never puts down the toilet seat. Or routinely forgets to take out the trash. Or puts his beer glass in the sink instead of the dishwasher. Those little things create unbearable tension and make men welcome the freedom of adoration, especially if she’s 19. Maybe she threw out his La Salle tie.”Woman: “He didn’t go to La Salle.”Man: “You never miss a chance for marketing.”Woman: “You’re salacious.”Man: “You’re stupid. I like that in a woman.”Woman: “I think you’re charming. It’s late and it’s dark out there. Why don’t you walk me to my car.”Man: “Okay, but lay off the e-mail.”